


Warm souls

by IKHARUS



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: IT'S LONG, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mourning, i think it's sad??, idk what else to add, im sorry i chose violence today, its my first one shot, prepare tissues just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 05:22:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30050556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IKHARUS/pseuds/IKHARUS
Summary: Bokuto always feels warm when he is closed to Akaashi.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Warm souls

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!! I don't really know what to say here, it's a very long one shot. And it's my first one to post in here !
> 
> Also, please notice that english isn't my first language, so you might see errors with the grammar or even alternating between past and present. I'm so bad at those..  
> But some other sentences are written in a certain way (plural to singular or singular to plural) which is completely normal !
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy reading this !
> 
> edit: I absolutely forget about tw, i'm so sorry:((
> 
> TW: mental breakdown, suicide implied, death / loss of a close relative, denial, mourning
> 
> and if anyone is wondering, yes, it is inspired by in another life, i thought that I should put it here just in case uwu

Summer days were long. The weather was hot, but it also had the heavy air that many didn’t enjoy. But for a lot of people, it was just another day of any other year. Streets were busy, everyone was smiling, sharing their free time with their friends. Or either running to catch the subway, so they can reach their workplace in time.

It was any other days in Tokyo. For absolutely everyone.

Universities were still open, the library was silent. Few people were working. Focusing on their lessons, or homework, or even preparing for exams. There was so many bookshelf, if you didn’t the place and how the organization was, you would’ve been lost.

This college has a lot of support from many high people, a bit cliché. But we were able to witness the high quality of material, as there was many last generation computers on every table of this library.

While few were absolutely dismiss to give some space to people who needed to write. Bokuto was occupying one of those.

His papers were filling every inch of the table he was dealing with. Many numbers, many graphics, few open books while some other were piled up. He was writing down few words, trying to focus on the assignment his teacher gave to his class. A sigh was out of his lips, as he decided to rest his head over all of those papers. He wasn’t able to focus a single bit. He was too lost in his mind to complete something great enough to have good rates. His thoughts were running fast, changing from every topic here and there. It’s been years since he had those intense mood drop. And he knew too well that he couldn’t make something from this. From what was going on.

Which caused him to complain. And as he looked up, he saw his friend from.. god knows when. He can’t even remember how they met, but one thing was sure, he was happy to have him. His greenish eyes were busy reading at one book, the one he would carry everywhere. He straighten up his back and talked quietly, being respectful to others students who were working to complete their courses.

“Akaashi, let’s go. I can’t focus.” He says, while pouting a bit.

The black haired boy looked at his friend, sighed a bit, and closed his book.

“Let’s go.”

He made it short, short enough for him to understand what he was saying. And the grey haired boy was fast enough to pack up his books, papers, pencils and everything that was on this desk.

Walking out of the library, Bokuto stretched himself up. And took his phone out to look at what hour it was. He saw few messages from his other bestfriend, Kuroo. He looked up again, to look at Akaashi, who was still focused in his book.

“Kuroo is working right now. Let’s go and see him!”

“Sure thing Bokuto-san.”

And they just walked out of the campus.

.

The ring belled, and Kuroo was saying his basic welcoming sentence, until he saw his friend. He smiled and waved at him.

“Hey! The usual?”

“Yes! And I’ll take a strawberry cake! For Akaashi!” He said while pointing out one of the table in the corner.

The old captain of Nekoma, looked at the table, and smiled a bit.

“Sure. So, how is your work going? Are you going through it or you’re finally done with it?”

“I’m struggling, I can’t focus. It’s so hard, I feel like I’m getting dumber.”

“You were never really clever bro.”

“Hey! I’ve come this far! That shows I can be clever if I want to!”

“Listen, you had the choice of following a volleyball career, in the professional field. Yet, here you are. Doing sport major.”

“It’s not only sport! It’s also a science one.”

“Whatever. Still no sugar in your coffee?”

“No, but put a lot of chocolate in it!”

“Obviously.”

And the black haired boy turned around to prepare his chocolate coffee, while another gray haired boy joined them. He looked at Bokuto, a surprised expression on his face.

“What are you looking at?” Said the new boy.

“Oh! Osamu! I was looking at your menu.”

“You are bored. Aren’t you?”

“What can I do, my best friend left me for some coffee.” He said faking some tears.

Osamu laughed hard. While Kuroo and Bokuto were arguing, almost ready to throw fits at each other.

From afar, Akaashi was looking at this scene, a smile on his face. He was glad, so glad of what he was seeing. It was their routine, to come here, enjoying a coffee and maybe some cake, before going back to their home respectively.

There was actually no one, as it was late in the afternoon. But this coffee shop was actually popular within the students.

To add some more context, this coffee shop is Osamu’s, who was working with Atsumu, his twin brother. Kuroo is working here to gain some money as he was an independent student. Both him and Bokuto were in their last year of courses. Before being done with school.

A really tall guy with white hair went out from nowhere, and gave the strawberry cake he was preparing for Bokuto, he bowed and went back in. Bokuto, bowed too, being happy to finally have his cake.

Yes, Aone was working here too. It was pure coincidence actually, since Aone was searching for a work to practice his pastry, which Osamu gave a shot to. And the owner with gray hair, was very much happy and proud of what Aone was doing.

Kuroo finally gave the chocolate coffee with some whipped cream on it to his best-friend. Who take all of his order and joined Akaashi to their table.

Bokuto’s back was facing the two boys. And Kuroo let a sigh out of his lips. Osamu, looking at Kuroo, knowing way too well what it meant.

“Let him be.”

“It’s been months Osamu.”

“You know it’s too early for it.”

Kuroo didn’t said anything else, and just went back to his work.

.

.  
.

Another day where Akaashi was walking next to Bokuto. It was silent, he was focused on the book he was reading. While Bokuto was walking, his hands holding his head’s back. He was looking at the sky, and randomly started to talk.

“Maybe I should have told you that I regret doing that major.”

“Is that so?”

“It’s upsetting because I’m missing the opportunity of my life.”

“So why did you chose to do this major then?”

“I’m just scared, of what it would look like. Without you.”

“You’ll do good Bokuto-san.”

“It’s a dumb thought, isn’t it?”

“It is, if I’m being honest.”

“I can’t help. I just feel like it won’t be the same.”

“You won’t know until you try, Bokuto-san.”

“I know that I’ll have to do it without you, Akaashi. But it’s scary.”

And he stopped walking. His arms fell to follow his body line. Akaashi stopped himself too. Looking at Bokuto, a sad smile on his face. He walked towards him, and his free hands reached his cheek. They were close enough to do some skin ship. Just like it was any other way to comfort Bokuto.

Bokuto felt goosebumps going through his spine. His cheek had a warm feeling thanks to Akaashi’s hand. He smiled a bit, while his eyes were a bit teary. Way too overwhelmed of what was going on right now.

“You’ll always stay with me, right?”

“I’ll always be here, Bokuto-san.”

This answer was enough for Bokuto to keep walking, Akaashi following him from afar. They parted their ways, each one of them to get back to their places.

.

.

.

This time Bokuto invited Akaashi to his own place, their usual week-end hang out. They would always switch, Bokuto sleeping at Akaashi’s, or Akaashi’s sleeping at Bokuto’s. But it’s actually been days without them hanging out. Too caught up in their assignments. They still had few months to go, until the end of their semester and final year.

It was late at night, they already ate, and now they were getting ready to go to sleep. Both of them laying down on Bokuto’s bed. Akaashi was looking at what was Bokuto doing on his phone.

He was searching for a song, he didn’t know what to chose “ _In another life_ ”? No, he didn’t wanted to be in a bad mood tonight. So he just went on Spotify searching for a playlist. And basically just played Bruno Mars’ playlist. And stood up from his bed, enjoying himself to “ _Grenade_ ”, smiling at Akaashi while singing.

Soon enough, he took Akaashi’s hand, and started dancing with him, making him turn on himself. Akaashi was laughing, asking for Bokuto to stop. But the gray haired boy was way too attached to this warm feeling his body was feeling when he was holding Akaashi, or when he was close to him. He found himself being delivered from stress, sadness, and just feeling comfort.

If there was one thing he loved about Akaashi, it was how he was a comfort place for him. A safe place. He was glad he joined Fukurodani when they were younger. He was such a calm person that he actually thought he won’t get along with him. And when he saw him joining the volleyball team, he was surprised. But thought to himself that it was his other chance to befriend him. Which he did. And the silent and calm Akaashi was opening himself little by little, and Bokuto enjoyed fully that experience. Discovering someone little by little, the more they were playing together, the more Bokuto’s spikes were being. And the golden eyed boy found himself loving Akaashi’s tosses. He made everything for him to have a good ball.

From the time Akaashi joined his team, he found himself enjoying playing a lot more.

Knowing Akaashi was a trusted person, he can rely on, just like he was the one Akaashi would go to ask for help. It made him feel warm inside. He knew people would always say that he was a sunshine, a bright person. But sometimes being that sunshine was tiring, and he found the one that everyone was calling a moon. His own sun. The one he felt comfortable enough to talk about his struggle way more openly. The one that knew how to deal with his old emo phases back in the days.

Akaashi was everything for him.

The song changed, for some lofi song, that was on Bokuto’s playlist. Bokuto’s arms were around Akaashi’s waist, while Akaashi’s were surrounding his body. Warming Bokuto, who was close to be overwhelmed, close to cry.

“I love you Akaashi.”

“I love you too Bokuto-san.”

And they just went back to the bed. Akaashi reading out-loud the chapter of his story, caressing Bokuto’s hair. Who was slowly falling asleep. Finally freed from the overwhelming feeling he was living in the moment.

.

Bokuto was deep in his sleep, while Akaashi was just looking at him sleeping. It’s been hours since he stopped caressing his dearest person’s hair.

He smiled, a bit. And was going through his memory too. Remembering how he instantly wanted to become Bokuto’s friend, as soon as he saw him playing. That was why he went to Fukurodani’s academy.

He remembered every match they won, every time Bokuto was screaming his voice out loud saying “Hey hey hey!”. No matter how hard you were supporting your team, if Bokuto was in front of you, you would’ve been just as hyped as he was. He was the protagonist the world needed. He was the light that was making Akaashi happier, feeling full.

He remembered how he first talked about his struggle. How Bokuto was listening to him with all of his attention, and told him that if he was worthless, then he’ll make him feel like he was his whole world. Which caused Akaashi to be confused, he was waiting for anything that would sound like _You’ll go through it. You’re doing good. You’re not worthless._ But Bokuto straight up told him “ _I’ll make you feel like you’re my whole world._ ”. Such an innocent statement from a 17 year old boy. That everyone would’ve thought that it was a confession.

But it wasn’t the case.

It was Bokuto’s way, to reassure him. Because Bokuto has always struggled with these types of situations, which was very different from when someone would ask his feelings about volleyball. Just like that day when Tsukishima asked them why they were investing themselves that hard in volleyball. Bokuto knew well why he loved volleyball. And was able to explain why.

But Akaashi, feeling down? It was an unknown feeling for Bokuto. Akaashi knew that, and where some people would thought that what he said was “idiot”, he was glad. Glad that Bokuto was trying his best to help him. And he never missed to show that Akaashi was actually important in him. That he wasn’t worthless. That he was actually needed in Bokuto’s life.

He smiled while looking at Bokuto.

He was glad he was always here to remind him that he was such an amazing person. Even after centuries, he’ll never thank him enough for that.

.

.

.

It’s the end of September, and it was another month Bokuto didn’t enjoy. Even if his birthday was on this month. Because he couldn’t enjoy it fully. God knows why.

But the focus wasn’t supposed to be on his birthday, it’s on this party that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi organized. They were celebrating their “wedding”. It wasn’t actually their wedding, since they didn’t wanted to wear the “married couple” tag. But they throw a party that was celebrating, them, promising to be with each other until the end.

Everyone was here, old Karasuno’s teammates, and everyone they knew and enjoyed being around. Obviously their families were here too, just like there was Tsukishima bestfriends. Everyone grew up, and it’s been months since they saw each other. A lot of them were dating within each other. And it was an absolutely enjoyable moment.

The party was going well, everyone was celebrating the new “married” couple. At the bar, Bokuto was drinking a bit. Atsumu joined him soon enough.

“Boku’!”

“Atsu’! You’re not with Sakusa?”

“Oh, he’s here, don’t worry! He is just staying on his side, you know.”

“Yeah, I get what you meant.”

“I heard you finally accepted the offer!”

“Ah, yes I am! I have two or three months to go, and I’ll be done with my course!”

“That’s good to hear! So you’re coming to training?”

“Obviously I am!”

“Cool! I’ll see you there. Also, I’m happy to see you here.”

“I had to come, it Tsukki’s wedding!”

“Yes! Enjoy yourself, I’ll go, it’s been a long time since I talked to Suna, I have to annoy my brother-in-law.”

“Sure thing.”

“See ya!”

And the blond boy left, to annoy Suna.

Bokuto looked at everyone, a smile on his face, and was soon enough joined by Kuroo.

“You’re not with Kenma?”

“He had a call, and I saw you, so I wanted to keep you company.”

“I’m not alone tho.”

“Bokuto.”

“He just went to the bathroom.”

“Bokuto.”

“What?”

“You sh-”

He stopped himself, when he saw Tsukishima joining them.

“Tsukki! Congratulations on your wedding!”

“Ah, thank you.”

“Congratulations Tsukki. Didn’t had the chance to tell you this.”

“Thank you Kuroo-san. So what were you talking about.”

“Nothing!” Said Bokuto, taking a sip from his drink.

“Bokuto, you should really stop.” Said Kuroo, looking at him genuinely concerned.

“Stop what?”

“Being in denial.” Said Kuroo.

“I’m not in denial.”

“It’s been months Bokuto.”

“And?”

“Maybe you should start accepting it, Bokuto-san.” Said quietly Tsukishima, joining Kuroo’s side.

“Accept what?”

“You know what we’re talking about.” Said Kuroo, while looking at Bokuto.

“I don’t.”

“Bokuto-san, you’ll have to face it one day or another.”

Bokuto went silent. The blond and black haired men were looking at him. Clearly worried for him. Bokuto sighed, and looked up at Tsukishima and smiled.

“Let’s not ruin your day with that. Let’s have fun!”

He said, while dragging both of them to whatever was Hinata, Nishinoya and Tanaka were doing. Which was probably doing drinking games.

From afar, Akaashi was looking at them. A small smile on his face. Wearing his costume, enjoying himself the party for such a celebration. That was, indeed, important to him too.

Because he too, loved Tsukishima, and was happy when someone this calm joined them to their training. Those training would always made him feel exhausted, because of four loud boys. One of them being his captain, Nekoma’s captain, Hinata and Lev. Surprisingly enough, Tsukishima was getting closer to him than he was to Bokuto or Kuroo.

.

.

.

Days were getting colder, and it was important to start wearing warm clothes, to not catch a cold. Especially for someone like Bokuto, who was dealing with training for his new team, and school. If he get sick, it would ruin time for him.

It’s been a few weeks since Tsukishima’s wedding, and nothing really changed. Instead the feeling of being lonely. Which kept getting stronger.

As the days were cold, Akaashi excused himself, not being able to be here with him, telling him that he caught a cold. Leafs were falling, dying on his road. Bokuto was walking to go back at his place, after training for many hours, his hands were hiding in his pockets, trying to find some warm, which was a complete failure.

Soon enough, he reached his place. And his heavy steps took him to his bed. He was laying down in his bed. Trying to warm himself with his blanket. But again, it was a failure. The only thing that was filling his mind and body, was emptiness, and loneliness.

And as if it was very much needed, the talk he had with Tsukishima and Kuroo started to play in his mind again. Why would they say such a thing? He was still in front of his eyes. He was feeling warmness when he was holding his hands, when he would caress his hair, when they would dance together. He was answering to whatever he was saying to him.

And as an automatic mechanism, he started to talk, looking at his window, the full moon was in his view. He looked at it directly, as if he was talking to the moon. Trying to find a partner for his night, the feeling of being completely alone still going strong.

“Why would they say such a thing? I’m not insane. I know Akaashi is here. I know he won’t let me down. He promised we would be together. He promised that he will stay by my side. So why would they say I have to accept it. I’m not insane right? I can still talk to him, I can see him, I know he is in front of me. I’m not insane. I promised him I’ll show him he’s my whole world, so why would I stop now. It’s been years, I have to convince him that he is an important person. They can call me stubborn if they want. I know that I’m right. We still go to college together, I know he’ll be in the public for the next match. He’ll support me. He will always be here. Why are they all acting like he never existed? Akaashi is not the type of person that we can forget that easily.”

And without him realizing, he kept going on with his ranting, tears falling down on his cheeks. He took his phone, and called Akaashi, still crying.

No answers.

So he left a voice message, as he is used to.

“Hey Akaashi, it’s me, Bokuto, I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and that I miss you. I remembered our promise from highschool, so I’m keeping it. You’re probably giving yourself time to rest. I hope you’re enjoying it… Yeah. I hope you’re enjoying it, you deserved to be freed, and be in peace. I still hope you’ll come to my match! It’s in few weeks! I love you Akaashi, please don’t forget. I’ll try to sleep now. My training are intense, so I have to wake up early tomorrow. Bye.”

And he hang up. Put his phone to charge, cried for few more minutes, around 20 minutes. And just fall asleep from tiredness.

What he didn’t know, was that Akaashi was sitting on his chair, right in front of his desk. Looking at the book he was holding, tears falling down on his cheeks. A painful smile on his face. He never heard Bokuto crying, but since a few months, he was hearing him crying. And even now, it was too painful. How such a strong person could be this broken. These, are the type of thing no one will ever know. And while he was crying silently, wishing to meet Bokuto in his dream again, he counted.

“ _1025 voice messages._ ”

.

.

.

Only few days went by, and Bokuto has decided to go for a jogging, he was on a rest day for training, but he couldn’t handle the fact that he wasn’t able to do anything. So he went for a jogging. Headphones on his ears. Running around the city, with his sport suit on. He missed this feeling, the one where he was absolutely alone. His view registering the view that was fading away as he kept going on. While his brain just couldn’t register any bit of information that was coming. Because Bokuto was absolutely lost in his thoughts. Maybe he was even running more than what he was supposed to do.

And soon enough, he snapped out of his mind, because of one detail. He stopped next to a grocery shop. The one that him and his team used to go to after every practice. He casually walked in, bought something to eat and to drink, paid, and went out as fast. Looking at what he had in his hands, reminded him of so many memories. And he surprised himself with some onigiris in his hands, just like he had his favorite snacks, and a juice bottle. He sat on the floor, after walking a bit away from the grocery store, and started to eat. Same place as they used to eat back in their Fukurodani’s days.

After a few moments of being nostalgic, he stood up, and started to walk without any goals.

But once again, he surprised himself taking a way he knew too well. And an idea crossed his mind.

He started to run again, as if his life was depending on it.

He rang the door bell. Completely breathless and sweaty, he was ready to jump in and starting to talk to Akaashi. But at his surprise it was an unknown lady. Who was looking at him.

“Hello, can I help you?”

“Oh, uh, no. I’m sorry, I think I rang at the wrong house. Sorry for disturbing you!”

“No problem sir.”

She smiled, and closed the door, leaving Bokuto completely dumb founded.

He looked around, he knew it was his house, so why wasn’t he here.

He actually knew. But he still had hope, he remembered that Akaashi’s parents moved out, and it’s been years. Years that Akaashi was living alone in this house. And now, it was someone else in it.

He hated what his brain was telling to his heart.

He ran, again, but it wasn’t a jogging that is actually here to train yourself. It was a run, a desperate one, the one that come because of an overwhelming amount of emotions going through your body. The one that you can’t handle.

And Bokuto ran so hard, until he came back home, and he just fell on his bed. Looking at his ceiling, still breathless. And heart broken.

The emotion rush going in his body, was now manifesting a hard pain.

The pain that Tsukishima talked about.

The one he would have to face one day.

It was here, and yet, he was rejecting it, _again_.

.

.

.

He spiked, spiked as hard as he could. In every smash and jump he’ll do, he’ll put 120% of himself. Because he knew that the whole country was looking at him. And that _he_ too was looking at him.

So he played as hard as he could, telling everyone that he was back in the game. And soon enough, his team won the match. He screamed “Hey hey hey!” so hard, as if his lungs were waiting for this special moment. The adrenaline going through his body, made him feel so good. And at his final spike, he saw a blurry face in front of his eyes, just like it was a mirage and he smashed the ball the hardest way possible. As a winning celebration, he looked at the ceiling, pointing at it with his index, actually aiming for the sky.

Why his face had to be blurry. Why couldn’t he remember his smile. It’s only been weeks since he saw him. And yet, he wanted to see him. This final spike was aimed so the sound of the ball being smashed on the floor, could reach his ears. And he could consider it as an invitation to visit him once again.

His team was celebrating their win, soon enough Bokuto joined them, but he was still concerned. The public was acclaiming them, and him, but there was no Akaashi to be seen. And when he was doing an interview, he smiled and said:

“One day, one of my old teammate said that we were the protagonist of the world. So, winning this match, was a way for me to say that: yes, indeed, you and me are the protagonist of the world. I hope my old teammate is watching me and that he understood that the last spike was aimed for him, to celebrate our old and good days.”

“What is your old teammate doing now?”

“He is living a peaceful life, far from cameras. I hope he is resting well. I miss him a lot.”

“You seem to be very attached to him.”

“I am. I came to enjoy volleyball even more, thanks to him.”

He smiled, and then excused himself. Letting Atsumu doing his interview.

As he was in the changing room, changing himself. He was packing up his things, being the last one to do so since all of his teammates were already out.

“You did a good job today, Bokuto-san.”

He turned around, just to see the face that he was missing so much. His teary eyes were looking at the black haired boy.

“Akaashi.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t come earlier.”

“It’s alright.”

Akaashi sat next to him, and smiled at him.

“So, I heard that you are the protagonist of the world?”

“Yes, since _you are my world_.”

Akaashi smiled, and hugged Bokuto. And for once in many weeks, Bokuto finally felt some warmness.

.

.

.

Weeks went away, and Bokuto wasn’t able to see Akaashi again. It was freezing cold outside, and Bokuto curled himself under his blanket.

He was scrolling through his album photo. And was looking at every picture he had, and he realized that it’s been months since he took a picture of him. Most of his recent pictures were mostly screenshots. And as he went higher and higher in his gallery, he saw a picture that he loved too much.

A picture that Konoha took of them, Bokuto with his bag strap on his forehead, while Akaashi was looking at him dumbfounded, a book in his hand.

He scrolled down, just to saw many other pictures of him and Akaashi, with the rest of his teammates. He was missing these old days so much. But one face was missing in his life.

His heart feeling pain again.

He had to accept it.

He never wanted to put the words on it.

And he still thinks he isn’t ready for that.

The thought that one day or another, he had to come to this point, and go on with his life… It was so scary to him.

What if he forgets about him? He was the one he loved since god knows when. He never had the chance to tell him. And know, he knew. But it was too late.

He knew it was too late, and that was why, he didn’t wanted to let him go.

Like many of his nights, he will start crying himself to sleep. The pain was too heavy to shut it completely. So he had to let some pain and sadness go, because his denial was already put in trash.

Akaashi was, once again, reading his book, while sitting on his chair, crying silently. Waiting for him to come, at least once.

He was missing him too.

But yet, here they were. Waiting for the other one to come.

.

.

.

He was finally done with his last assignment. He asked for some help of his classmate. One of them being that girl, that was always looking at him in their classes. And today, she confessed her feelings to him. Bokuto felt weird. It was surprising, because he wasn’t at his best state. He smiled at her, and excused himself. Telling her that he already loved someone, and that if he sent any wrong messages, then he was sorry.

She cried, and told him it was alright.

“You’ll find someone better than me. Don’t worry. Take that as an answer from life, that I might not be your best option.”

He smiled again, bowed to her, and left to go to his favorite place. The coffee shop.

.

He went in, and just went to sit at his designed place. Looking outside, his elbow resting on the table, and his chin resting in his hand.

It was cloudy outside, and his moral was once again down. He was thinking about that girl he rejected. He thought that maybe he should have accepted it. Maybe one day he would have fallen in love with her. But the thought of it, was hurting more than living with the regret of rejecting her. He sighed, and a mall figure sat in front of me. His eyes turned around. Deep inside he was expecting it to be Akaashi’s figure. But it was Kuroo’s.

“No coffee today?”

“A strawberry cake. For me.”

“He really loved that, didn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

Kuroo had a sad smile on his face. Stood up, and place the order of his bestfriend’s strawberry cake. And went back to him. Sitting again in front of me.

“So, you look quite tired today.”

“I didn’t slept, because of my last assignment.”

“And?”

“And I rejected that girl who helped me with it.”

“You did what?”

“I rejected her.”

“Bokuto, you should really stop, he is go-”

“I loved him and I still do, Tetsurou.”

Kuroo sighed, adopting the same position Bokuto had. Directly looking at him.

“You never told him?”

“No...”

Bokuto’s eyes were teary, at the thought of it. The regret of it, that’ll follow him until the day he dies.

“Maybe you should go, see him, and tell him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s hard.”

A tear dropped down. Kuroo looked at it, and weirdly enough, he hoped that he won’t cry. Because seeing his bestfriend crying, right now, pained him so bad. To a point that even him was getting teary.

“I wished I could join him.”

“Kotaro...”

“But I can’t. Because there’s nothing pushing me to join him.”

And Bokuto started to cry, looking at Kuroo, his chin shaking. He tried to wipe away his tears, but the machine was on, so his tears kept dropping from his eyes. Drawing a wet line on his cheeks.

“I miss him so bad. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want to talk to him. I want to live my life with him. I want to cherish him. He is my whole world. And he left me. Because I wasn’t good enough.”

“You know that it’s not true.”

“It is. There is no other reason. I failed making him feel good enough. I’ll carry this pain for the rest of my life. Knowing that I had the power to help him, but that I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t enough at all.”

“Kotaro. You know it’s not true. He left us because he didn’t find a way out. You know that living in Japan is competitive as hell.”

“I had the role of showing him a path to get out of his stress, the path that could’ve helped him. I could’ve done so much...”

And he cried even harder. Kuroo stood up, and sat next to him. For the first time in years, he surrounded his arms around the large figure of Bokuto. Who, accepted it, crying in his arms so badly. Kuroo was caressing his back, his cheek resting on his head.

“You did your best Kotaro. You were here for him, you helped him to go through so much, you made him enjoy his life. Stop blaming yourself, for something that you had no power on. College was hard enough, added to the fact that the society was rude and competitive enough. He is freed now. I’m pretty sure he isn’t blaming you.”

Bokuto had no strength to answer to him. He kept on crying, while Kuroo was trying his best to comfort him. Crying too, mixed feeling going on. Bokuto was finally starting to accept the reality. But it was a painful process, and he knew better than no one else, how important Akaashi was to Bokuto.

.

Few months went by, the new year went by. And Bokuto was having a hard time mentally.

He finally accepted that Akaashi was gone. Yet, he didn’t wanted to visit him. He didn’t knew what was stopping him.

He was at one of his training session. They were practicing some new combinations. Atsumu tossed the ball to him, and he smashed on it. It felt so different. It was cool, because his passion for volleyball was vibrating thanks to the adrenaline. But it was still different. Weird, and almost unacceptable.

He sighed. He knew that no one would ever replace Akaashi’s tosses. He loved smashing them. And some days he wished he was here to toss to him. He wished he was here to see him playing. He wished he would’ve been there to encourage him during his big matches.

He missed him, and was, little by little, forgetting what it felt to have him by his side. To see him. And he cursed the whole universe for taking him away from him. He didn’t wanted to forget about it. He was trying hard to keep the feeling and the memory of them together close to him.

They had a rest time, and he went to drink some water. Soon enough Sakusa joined him.

“You seem to be focusing on something else.”

“Ah, yeah, sorry! I’ll get back on track.”

“It’s about Akaashi. Isn’t it?”

“How did you..”

“We all know how important he was to you, Bokuto.”

He stayed silent, and was looking at Hinata who kept asking Atsumu to toss him some balls.

“It’s a hard process, nothing will be the same. But maybe, going to see him would help you.”

“How so?”

“Because it’s your only way to be the closest to him.”

“What do you mean?”

Sakusa sighed, drink a bit and looked at Atsumu.

“Atsumu and I are living together, right?”

“Please the lovey-dovey side of yours is not something I need right now.”

“Listen to me.”

He sighed.

“Me being able to be this close to him was a hard process. Of course it’s nothing compared to your situation. But for instance, him and I were fighting a lot because I wasn’t able to get physically close to him. Yet, I had to make the effort of going over my fear to show him I loved him.”

“Yeah..?”

“My point is, you are scared to really realize that he is gone. Yet, you going to see him, is your best way to feel close to him. You used to say that you’re seeing him, right? Do you see him these days?”

“No, I don’t. It’s been months.”

“Think of it as if he was tired of making the effort of coming to you. This time, you have to make the effort, to show him that you care for him. You can’t expect to have his love dressed in a silver plate, and being fed with a silver spoon.”

Bokuto went silent, looking at the floor of the gymnasium. Sakusa looked at him, put his hand on his shoulder, tapping it. Then went back to grab his antibacterial gel, and use some of it.

Before starting the training again. Bokuto, genuinely considering Sakusa’s suggestion.

.

.

.

It was a fresh day. The sun was glowing, but it wasn’t strong enough to warm the population, who still had to wear sweaters. It was another random day for almost everyone. Except for few of them.

Our lovely group of friend.

It’s been a year. A year since Akaashi has left them. So today, they went to see him, to say hi, to pray for his peaceful afterlife. All of them went there, except Bokuto. Kuroo tried to call him, even messaged him. Kenma too, tried to contact him. But there was no answers from him.

He was in his bed, under his blanket, the darkness was filling the room.

He was feeling numb, he wasn’t hungry, wasn’t thirsty, didn’t wanted to practice, to go for a jog. To look at his phone. He just wanted to be numb, and stay here. Emptiness and loneliness feeling his body.

  
Bokuto was thinking about if Akaashi would be hating him for not coming. But he couldn’t expect him to go and see him. It would hurt, hurt so bad.

But what would hurt more?

Not going on his first year since he passed away, or actually going.

He was wondering, closed his eyes, and was ready to sleep.

Just to see Akaashi’s face in front of him, in the middle of the darkness. He was hardly recognizable, he was so blurry and transparent.

“ _Bokuto-san._ ”

Was the last thing he heard, before falling asleep.

.

He woke up because of an angry Kuroo, who went in his place and smashed his bedroom’s door open. Bokuto jumped out of surprise, looking at him. Kuroo grabbed him by his shirt, and punched him right in the face.

“So you’re going to let him down just like that?”

“Kuro, stop.”

Said Kenma, putting his hand on his arm that was holding Bokuto’s shirt.

It’s been a long time since he saw him. And this confrontation, was something that Bokuto didn’t wanted to face, because Kenma was the person Akaashi was the closest to, out of him.

Kuroo let his shirt go and sighed. Letting Kenma sit on Bokuto’s bed.

“Bokuto.”

  
He didn’t answered.

“Look at me.”

And looked up, and was meeting his cat eye, which were red because of crying.

“Are you going to let Akaashi down?”

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I didn’t felt like coming.”

“If you don’t get out of your bed, today, you’ll regret it.”

Bokuto didn’t answered.

“Bokuto, it’s been a year. It’s a painful date indeed, but, you have to see him.”

“I can’t Kuroo.”

“If you don’t go today” added Kenma, “you’ll never be able to go.”

He knew they were right, and his talk with Sakusa came in his mind again, just like he saw that transparent figure of Akaashi, that wasn’t as clear as it used to be. He sighed, and remove the blanket from his legs.

.

He was following them, well dressed, a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Akaashi’s favorite flowers actually, a lilas bouquet.

He saw Kuroo and Kenma stopping in front of a stone. And he looked at it, still far from it. And the view of it pained him.

Kenma looked at him, went to him and showed his hand. Inviting him to get closer to this place. Bokuto looked at it, and he took it. Not feeling any warmness, it’s been way too long since he felt anything warm. And he followed Kenma.

And after few steps, he was finally in front of this stone. He looked at it, and his eyes teared up reading the name.

_Akaashi Keiji,_

_5/12/1995 – 22/02/20xx_

He couldn’t help but start crying. It was so painful to read, to see, to know that his body was under his feet. He put his bouquet on his tombstone.

Kenma and Kuroo left him alone, it was a precious moment for him.

Chills were going through his body, he fell on his knees. Hold his face with his hands, as they were getting wet because of his tears. But surprisingly he was feeling lighter, like he was freed of any pain. He still wanted to see him, and he knew, it will never happen.

He had to face the reality, he had to go through his life journey without Akaashi.

The sun was bright, but wasn’t enough to warm him.

And unlike that bright ball, some arms came and surround Bokuto’s body, from it’s back. Instantly, Bokuto felt warm. And cried even harder.

Akaashi was holding him tight, hugging him tight. Crying too, happy that he came to see him. That he was finally able to live in peace.

Bokuto was excusing himself, told him what he had on his chest for a year, told him he loved him so bad, that he regretted not being able to tell him about it earlier. That he wasn’t able to save him. That he failed at showing him he was worth it.

Akaashi listened to him, and answer to each of his words. He thanked him for all of the memory he was able to make. He was sorry that he wasn’t as strong as him. That he did what he could, that he didn’t left this world because of him. That he did more than what he what supposed to.

They both cried, and stayed like this, feeling each other warm. Because there was something the universe couldn’t remove to both of them. No matter how far from each other they were.

How their souls were warm next to each other.

“ _You’re my warm sun, Akaashi._ ”

“ _And you’re my brightest sun, Bokuto-san._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> So... Are you broken or ? Because I teared up a lot while writing it !
> 
> Love y'all, and sorry if I break your heart !


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